Tumble-Bumble!!!

Nowhere is it mentioned that you need to happy and merry all the time. At the best you can be optimist, if not positive. But it’s alright to be sour and sad. Not because it will help you realize what it means to be optimist but because it allows you to think from different or rather unconventional perspective.

Of late, life is not as great as I had planned it to be. Absolutely nothing has worked out for me in each and every sphere of life. Of course, life is not worst if seen from world’s perspective. In its eyes, I’m privileged enough to be able to satisfy my basic needs and many of materialistic wants. I’ve three pieces of paper named “degree”, a decent job, a loving family and supportive friends. If I belong to well-to-do class, then what is eating me inside?

I have no clear answer. All I know for sure is just one thing - I am losing. What could be worse than losing your time, your courage, your self-confidence, your faith in yourself and most importantly belief. And this is not because of any failure. Every single time I’ve ever tried any damn thing I my life I have failed miserably. Failure is no new to me. In fact, it is the success that surprises me these days. And I’m absolutely okay with it.

Is it “age” then? But for me age is just a number. It has nothing to do with your wishes, aspirations. Then, it might be choices! But these were my choosing. And I own outcome whatever it be.

It is something between social or peer pressure and comparison. Then I should better stop comparing and don’t give a damn about social pressure. Easier said than done, huh? How can I not? I too am part of this society. If I don’t pay any heed this social pressure, I fear of being left out. And since I have lost all courage I don’t think am capable enough to handle harsh consequences that may follow by non-conforming.

And about comparison, take any damn aspect. I’m a big failure or a misfit by the so-called accepted standards or norms of this society. Besides, am really tired of pumping all that positivity, inspiration in my own self just to please and conform to societal standards.

It’s really painful. Especially when am not able to enjoy any moment of it even if I want to. I do not enjoy this process anymore. Most importantly, I’m tired of finding answers to all these questions. Answers are elusive, so are the means to find those.

I don’t think there is anything wrong in feeling such way. This is how life is, it seems. Shit happens. And that’s fine. Meanwhile, all I can do is to take one day at a time and try to survive. Is there black-dog around???